How Can I Ever Forgive You?

How Can I Ever Forgive You?

Carol and Eric, married for twenty years and with children at home, came to see me on the brink of divorce. Carol was seething with a cold rage. Eric was penitent, in obvious pain, desperate to save their marriage. Carol said, “We both know we had a sacred agreement....
Should I Get a Divorce?

Should I Get a Divorce?

Many unhappy couples go to counselors together before calling it quits. Many of the counselors believe that their job as professionals is to save the partnership. Dr. Phil is an example. “You know you’re ready for a divorce when you can walk out the door...
Anger and Trauma

Anger and Trauma

Anger, judiciously expressed and directed at a proposal rather than a person, can be helpful in negotiations, according to some research. On the home front, however, how much or how little your anger achieves will have a lot to do with the listeners’ back story....
Think You’re Not a Hypocrite?  Think Again

Think You’re Not a Hypocrite? Think Again

Usually when we speak of hypocrisy, it’s to scold someone. Practice what you preach! we say righteously. What business does anyone have doing things that he or she disapproves of others’ doing? Isn’t this the pot calling the kettle black? But not so fast. Often the...
How to Feel Less Alone

How to Feel Less Alone

As a therapist, I find that my biggest single job is help people connect with themselves and each other. In fact, you will have trouble connecting with anyone else if you cannot connect with yourself. You must be able to touch base with your heart, your mind, and all...
Ten Bad Habits That Can Ruin Friendships

Ten Bad Habits That Can Ruin Friendships

Many people—including some therapists!— don’t know how to express negative feelings and are afraid of doing so. Some prefer to say only things that seem likely to please their listeners. Everyone feels sadness, disappointment, shame, embarrassment, anger, and anxiety...
You Aren’t Listening!

You Aren’t Listening!

When I see couples for therapy, the problem is always the same: communication is blocked. It’s my job to ensure that both people speak and that both feel heard. In sessions with individuals I help clients probe their thoughts and feelings, but with couples I become a...
Do You Belong Here?

Do You Belong Here?

Friends may be the family we choose, but they can unfriend us and not just on Facebook. Once they do, we feel excluded, rejected. Family, on the other hand, stays the same no matter what even if some relatives aren’t on speaking terms. The mere fact of blood ties is...
Payback?

Payback?

It is tempting to go for payback when someone disses you. If you cut me dead on the street last week, or failed to respond when I as a neighbor asked for your help, the angry part of me might have wanted to hurt you. How could you do this to me? I probably wondered. A...
How Do I Know I Can Trust You?

How Do I Know I Can Trust You?

The older we get, the more likely we are to have been betrayed in the past. Particularly when betrayal comes early in life, and certainly when it happens repeatedly, it haunts us. We work frantically to prevent a recurrence. This is where distrust begins. Betrayal...
Troubleshooting Love

Troubleshooting Love

The couples who come to see me have reached an impasse. Often they can’t talk without yelling and insulting each other. Sometimes they can’t keep house in a way that satisfies them both. Often one feels burdened and believes the other is not doing enough. Always the...
Please Just Stop

Please Just Stop

Because of the authority that we as a society vest in doctors, medicine is a useful place to start thinking about the many ways in which we all try to make decisions for other people.  The problem has to do with differences in point of view. In medicine,...
You Can’t Say Yes If You Can’t Say No

You Can’t Say Yes If You Can’t Say No

From time to time I see clients who say they have an anger management problem. When I ask about it, they tell me stories of frustration. A middle-aged music teacher with a private practice in the evenings becomes enraged when her boyfriend routinely calls her after...
How to Listen Persuasively

How to Listen Persuasively

People often need to work out their differences. George wants one thing. Sue wants another. Whether they are coworkers or spouses or in some other sort of relationship, eventually they will have to negotiate a solution so that they can move on. We are all deeply...
The Hidden Relationship Builder We All Need

The Hidden Relationship Builder We All Need

Apologies are a sticky wicket for many of us. We often disown responsibility when other people’s feelings are hurt. But apologies have an amazing power to restore relationships and strengthen social ties. Most of us would rather not be wrong. It feels ever so much...
I Can’t Help It

I Can’t Help It

As a psychotherapist, I work in a “helping profession.” It’s a label that many people swallow whole, without chewing. But what does it even mean? Most people think professional caregivers focus not on making money but on serving others. Still, help is in the eye of...
Proven Strategies for Dealing with Anger

Proven Strategies for Dealing with Anger

What emotion packs the biggest wallop? It’s anger, of course. When someone gets mad, we all watch out for yelling, hurtful words, and violence. Anger pumps people up, but observers often feel as helpless as if they were watching a volcano erupt. Before we look at...
How to Set Limits with People You Love

How to Set Limits with People You Love

We all long for independence even as we crave acceptance by other people, but our bodies and our psyches demand that we set limits as part of taking care of ourselves. Saying no sometimes helps us protect ourselves from threats. Often, though, we’re afraid that other...
Relationship Choices You Will Regret

Relationship Choices You Will Regret

What will happen if I flirt with this gal or guy? Could the nerd who winked at me online be The One? Should I give this chick another chance on a second date? How fast is too fast to hop into bed or move in together?  Everyone wants to love and feel loved by someone,...
Ten Tips to Help You Listen from the Heart

Ten Tips to Help You Listen from the Heart

All of us have a deep-seated desire to be understood and accepted as we are. Nothing conveys respect and appreciation more than effective listening. Do you know how to listen so that other people feel heard? Practice these tips. They can work magic if you use them...
Sympathy and the Capacity for Empathy

Sympathy and the Capacity for Empathy

Judy Small is an Australian songwriter who has now set aside her guitar to be a federal court judge. I first heard her music in the 1980s, when I was editing books. One song in particular caught my attention. At the time I was working with an expert on the...
Why Good Thinking Is Not Enough

Why Good Thinking Is Not Enough

Therapists like to tell people to talk about their feelings. But why? And if it’s important to do this, why do a lot of people avoid it? One father earnestly told his child, “Nobody wants to know how you feel. They just want to know that you will act rationally.” If...
Do You Know How to Get Close to Someone?

Checklist for a Healthy Love Relationship

Relationships are like house plants. If you want them to flourish, you must tend them carefully. You must fertilize and water them, give them sunlight, pinch off the dead parts, and supply fresh soil from time to time. To check on the health of your romantic...
Anger and Trauma

Nine Red Flags in the Dating World

You have found this great guy or gal. This person is good-looking, and the sparks fly between you. Your relationship, shiny and new, is off and running. You both have stars in your eyes. Nevertheless, if you are hoping for a long-term commitment you will want to watch...
How to Have a Great Sex Life

How to Have a Great Sex Life

You can set the stage for romance in bed and elsewhere by following a few simple rules. No, I’m not talking about wine, candles, and roses. I’m talking about attitude. Some people think of sex simply as something to have or do. It’s easy to see how this mindset...