by Marcia | Jan 21, 2016 | Social Skills
Once your children have grown and left you, their schools and extracurricular activities are no longer a good bet for meeting similarly situated adults. You may prefer not to rub shoulders with coworkers once the workday is done. Whether you are looking for a BFF, a...
by Marcia | Oct 16, 2015 | Love & Marriage, Relationship Skills
Carol and Eric, married for twenty years and with children at home, came to see me on the brink of divorce. Carol was seething with a cold rage. Eric was penitent, in obvious pain, desperate to save their marriage. Carol said, “We both know we had a sacred agreement....
by Marcia | Sep 25, 2015 | Love & Marriage, Relationship Skills
Many unhappy couples go to counselors together before calling it quits. Many of the counselors believe that their job as professionals is to save the partnership. Dr. Phil is an example. “You know you’re ready for a divorce when you can walk out the door...
by Marcia | Sep 22, 2015 | Relationship Skills
Anger, judiciously expressed and directed at a proposal rather than a person, can be helpful in negotiations, according to some research. On the home front, however, how much or how little your anger achieves will have a lot to do with the listeners’ back story....
by Marcia | Sep 18, 2015 | Relationship Skills
Usually when we speak of hypocrisy, it’s to scold someone. Practice what you preach! we say righteously. What business does anyone have doing things that he or she disapproves of others’ doing? Isn’t this the pot calling the kettle black? But not so fast. Often the...
by Marcia | Sep 8, 2015 | Relationship Skills
As a therapist, I find that my biggest single job is help people connect with themselves and each other. In fact, you will have trouble connecting with anyone else if you cannot connect with yourself. You must be able to touch base with your heart, your mind, and all...
by Marcia | Aug 11, 2015 | Relationship Skills
Many people—including some therapists!— don’t know how to express negative feelings and are afraid of doing so. Some prefer to say only things that seem likely to please their listeners. Everyone feels sadness, disappointment, shame, embarrassment, anger, and anxiety...
by Marcia | Jul 28, 2015 | Love & Marriage
He’s married, and he looks at another woman. She, with a husband and two kids, lunches alone with a single male coworker. Does this behavior amount to cheating? What about text messages and phone calls? In the television series Orange Is the New Black, Piper has sex...
by Marcia | Jul 24, 2015 | Love & Marriage
Most people think getting married is procedurally pretty simple. You connect with someone you like and find attractive. You date for a while. You meet the folks and the friends. You compare notes: living and working where? how many kids? You affirm your love....
by Marcia | Jul 21, 2015 | Love & Marriage
When I was a kid, back in prehistoric times, someone published a book with answers to all the questions people had about sex (so the title proclaimed) but were afraid to ask. Nowadays no one seems to be afraid of asking anything, but sex is still a bugaboo. He doesn’t...
by Marcia | Jul 17, 2015 | Love & Marriage, Relationship Skills
When I see couples for therapy, the problem is always the same: communication is blocked. It’s my job to ensure that both people speak and that both feel heard. In sessions with individuals I help clients probe their thoughts and feelings, but with couples I become a...
by Marcia | Jul 14, 2015 | Relationship Skills
I have been in practice as a social worker for twenty years, seeing adults, couples, children, and families. My experience has taught me that for all of us, or almost all, alcohol is an issue. The question is not whether you drink too much in your opinion or someone...
by Marcia | Jul 7, 2015 | Living Well, Relationship Skills
Friends may be the family we choose, but they can unfriend us and not just on Facebook. Once they do, we feel excluded, rejected. Family, on the other hand, stays the same no matter what even if some relatives aren’t on speaking terms. The mere fact of blood ties is...
by Marcia | Jun 30, 2015 | Anger Management, Relationship Skills
It is tempting to go for payback when someone disses you. If you cut me dead on the street last week, or failed to respond when I as a neighbor asked for your help, the angry part of me might have wanted to hurt you. How could you do this to me? I probably wondered. A...
by Marcia | Jun 23, 2015 | Anger Management, Relationship Skills
In the wake of the June 17 shooting at Charleston’s Emanuel A.M.E. Church, the nation’s journalists have expressed outrage, horror, and grief in words familiar from responses to past atrocities. Dylann Storm Roof, denounced as a terrorist and a racist madman, may be...
by Marcia | Jun 19, 2015 | Love & Marriage, Relationship Skills
The older we get, the more likely we are to have been betrayed in the past. Particularly when betrayal comes early in life, and certainly when it happens repeatedly, it haunts us. We work frantically to prevent a recurrence. This is where distrust begins. Betrayal...
by Marcia | Jun 16, 2015 | Love & Marriage, Relationship Skills
The couples who come to see me have reached an impasse. Often they can’t talk without yelling and insulting each other. Sometimes they can’t keep house in a way that satisfies them both. Often one feels burdened and believes the other is not doing enough. Always the...
by Marcia | Jun 9, 2015 | Relationship Skills
Because of the authority that we as a society vest in doctors, medicine is a useful place to start thinking about the many ways in which we all try to make decisions for other people. The problem has to do with differences in point of view. In medicine,...
by Marcia | May 1, 2015 | Love & Marriage
As a way of meeting a long-term partner, online dating sites are now second only to meeting through friends. This short guide includes some extra information to help older daters feel more comfortable with this still relatively new way of finding a companion. If...
by Marcia | Apr 21, 2015 | Love & Marriage
Divorce forces you to figure out who you are without the other person. This statement sounds obvious and simple, right? Still, if the two of you have been married for many years, perhaps raising children together, it can be anything but. You are accustomed to allowing...
by Marcia | Apr 14, 2015 | Relationship Skills
From time to time I see clients who say they have an anger management problem. When I ask about it, they tell me stories of frustration. A middle-aged music teacher with a private practice in the evenings becomes enraged when her boyfriend routinely calls her after...
by Marcia | Apr 11, 2015 | Relationship Skills
Some forms of interpersonal conflict cause so much pain and suffering that they demand special attention as problems in communication. These include cutoffs and deeply entrenched bad feelings, both of which can persist for years. At the heart of these difficult...
by Marcia | Mar 20, 2015 | Relationship Skills
People often need to work out their differences. George wants one thing. Sue wants another. Whether they are coworkers or spouses or in some other sort of relationship, eventually they will have to negotiate a solution so that they can move on. We are all deeply...
by Marcia | Mar 17, 2015 | Relationship Skills
Apologies are a sticky wicket for many of us. We often disown responsibility when other people’s feelings are hurt. But apologies have an amazing power to restore relationships and strengthen social ties. Most of us would rather not be wrong. It feels ever so much...
by Marcia | Mar 3, 2015 | Love & Marriage
Another relationship went south and you ask yourself why. You found this great guy (or gal). Your eyes met across a crowded room, and—wow! Heaven and earth moved. You just knew that this was The One. The two of you got acquainted on a couple of heady dates and hopped...
by Marcia | Feb 13, 2015 | Love & Marriage
It has never been easier to send chocolates and flowers on Valentine’s Day. A click and a few keyboarded numbers will do the job. But how genuine and heartfelt is a gesture that involves so little real thought and effort? There’s a better way. The suggestions below...
by Marcia | Feb 10, 2015 | Mental Health, Relationship Skills
As a psychotherapist, I work in a “helping profession.” It’s a label that many people swallow whole, without chewing. But what does it even mean? Most people think professional caregivers focus not on making money but on serving others. Still, help is in the eye of...
by Marcia | Feb 6, 2015 | Love & Marriage
Often people ask me to tell them if a relationship is over. Mostly they want me to read someone else’s behavior, to say how I think the other person may be feeling and whether or not she (or he) will ever change. So what would I say if you asked me these questions?...
by Marcia | Feb 3, 2015 | Love & Marriage
When I was twelve, my mother died of cancer. She had been ill for seven years. A beautiful redhead in her youth, she increasingly isolated as the disease ravaged her. Over time, I became her sole companion. Now, as a child I could hardly be held responsible for...
by Marcia | Jan 20, 2015 | Love & Marriage, Relationship Skills
How can people connect more easily with each other, casually or when they are looking for love? Are there magic tricks that help transform strangers into friends and friends into lovers and partners? Recent research offers some clues. Companies often use a simple...
by Marcia | Jan 13, 2015 | Love & Marriage, Relationship Skills
Sometimes the people we most want to attract are not ready for friendship or for a romantic relationship. Sometimes it seems as if the other person runs away the minute you reach out. Going after him or her almost feels like the child’s game of peekaboo: now you see...
by Marcia | Jan 6, 2015 | Relationship Skills
What emotion packs the biggest wallop? It’s anger, of course. When someone gets mad, we all watch out for yelling, hurtful words, and violence. Anger pumps people up, but observers often feel as helpless as if they were watching a volcano erupt. Before we look at...
by Marcia | Dec 30, 2014 | Relationship Skills
We all long for independence even as we crave acceptance by other people, but our bodies and our psyches demand that we set limits as part of taking care of ourselves. Saying no sometimes helps us protect ourselves from threats. Often, though, we’re afraid that other...
by Marcia | Dec 26, 2014 | Relationship Skills
Did you ever find yourself at a party or in a public setting standing next someone you’ve never seen before and wishing you knew how to break the ice? It can be an awkward moment, especially if you know who the other person is but have never been introduced. Maybe...
by Marcia | Dec 19, 2014 | Relationship Skills
What will happen if I flirt with this gal or guy? Could the nerd who winked at me online be The One? Should I give this chick another chance on a second date? How fast is too fast to hop into bed or move in together? Everyone wants to love and feel loved by someone,...
by Marcia | Dec 9, 2014 | Relationship Skills
All of us have a deep-seated desire to be understood and accepted as we are. Nothing conveys respect and appreciation more than effective listening. Do you know how to listen so that other people feel heard? Practice these tips. They can work magic if you use them...
by Marcia | Nov 28, 2014 | Love & Marriage
Romance and companionship are easiest to find when we are young, but opportunities are still there for older folks if you know where to look. The wider you cast your net, the more likely you are to succeed. The educational system, from high school through university...
by Marcia | Nov 21, 2014 | Relationship Skills
Judy Small is an Australian songwriter who has now set aside her guitar to be a federal court judge. I first heard her music in the 1980s, when I was editing books. One song in particular caught my attention. At the time I was working with an expert on the...
by Marcia | Nov 7, 2014 | Living Well, Relationship Skills
Therapists like to tell people to talk about their feelings. But why? And if it’s important to do this, why do a lot of people avoid it? One father earnestly told his child, “Nobody wants to know how you feel. They just want to know that you will act rationally.” If...
by Marcia | Oct 24, 2014 | Relationship Skills
Relationships are like house plants. If you want them to flourish, you must tend them carefully. You must fertilize and water them, give them sunlight, pinch off the dead parts, and supply fresh soil from time to time. To check on the health of your romantic...
by Marcia | Oct 21, 2014 | Relationship Skills
You have found this great guy or gal. This person is good-looking, and the sparks fly between you. Your relationship, shiny and new, is off and running. You both have stars in your eyes. Nevertheless, if you are hoping for a long-term commitment you will want to watch...
by Marcia | Oct 7, 2014 | Love & Marriage
The couples who come to see me are often people who fight about housekeeping. For the sake of argument, let’s assume that the plaintiff is the husband and the defendant the wife. Still, the roles are often reversed. Hubby Gerald argues that wife Sheila is impossibly...
by Marcia | Sep 30, 2014 | Love & Marriage
If you are looking for a long-term partner, you want to be emotionally available. Huh? What is “emotionally available”? Isn’t it enough to be not married or not in a relationship with someone else? Not exactly. Let me explain. In the discussion below, disregard the...
by Marcia | Sep 23, 2014 | Relationship Skills
Friendships don’t come into being overnight. Once established, they mellow with time. A few simple rules can help people stay connected over the years through thick and thin. If your best friend does these ten things, you are blessed. If you do them, other people will...
by Marcia | Sep 16, 2014 | Relationship Skills
You want him to propose. You want her to have sex with you. You want your kid to do as you say. How do you make this happen? You probably hint at what you want. If you are brave you ask. Then you ask again. Maybe you try justifying your request. You might even argue...
by Marcia | Sep 12, 2014 | Love & Marriage, Relationship Skills
You can set the stage for romance in bed and elsewhere by following a few simple rules. No, I’m not talking about wine, candles, and roses. I’m talking about attitude. Some people think of sex simply as something to have or do. It’s easy to see how this mindset...
by Marcia | Sep 5, 2014 | Love & Marriage, Relationship Skills
The process by which people size each other up is far more complicated than online dating might lead you to believe. Two people can exchange a zillion emails with photos, but they will know far more about each other in a split second when they finally meet face to...
by Marcia | Sep 17, 2012 | Social Skills
The word “respect” stems from the Latin, “to look back,” or “to look again.” The verb means, according to my crumbling Merriam Webster’s Third New International, “to consider worthy of esteem” or, as a noun,...
by Marcia | Jul 19, 2012 | Relationship Skills, Social Skills
What communication and conflict resolution skills do you need for interpersonal relationships? The checklist below lets you take stock of your strengths and weaknesses and set goals for growth and development. Talk about each item with one or more people who know you...
by Marcia | Jun 24, 2012 | Relationship Skills
Do you feel shy and uncomfortable meeting new people for the first time? Is it hard to start a conversation? If shyness is a problem for you, maybe you think Everybody’s looking at me. They’ll see I’m not like everyone else. People will think what I...
